Since I can remember, I've wanted to be a mom. A career outside the home has never really had any appeal to me... I just wanted babies to hold and take care of. Thankfully, I have a husband who loves me and is fine with that. And in August 2010, Dan and I decided to expand our family after almost a year of marriage. Being 20 years old (so young and fertile... so I thought), I figured it would happen right away. God had different plans, though. We prayed and prayed for a baby... A year went by and it seemed everyone was getting pregnant but me. I really started to struggle with bitterness and anger. Why was this happening to us? We'd done everything right! I struggled with this for a long time... Seeing other's happiness. Seeing them posting pictures of their pregnant bellies or their newborns. All I kept thinking was "that could/should be me."
Finally, we went to the doctor. At first they didn't even want to give me a second look because of my age. They said "You're young. Why rush?" In my opinion waiting a year wasn't rushing... and who are they to judge? I'm a married woman and my HUSBAND and I decided this together. I won the argument... and that was the last time they questioned me. After tests and blood work they discovered I had 2 health problems contributing to my infertility. We were glad to have answers, but learning there was a problem was hard.
We tried two rounds of fertility treatments in the fall of 2011... neither worked. After a year and a half of trying, in January 2012, I had surgery hoping to correct the problem. After my surgery, we tried one more round of treatment before Dan had to go to California for 3 months... it didn't work. I was SO SURE it would work that time. They said the surgery makes you fertile! Guess not... The next step was injections as further treatment to my surgery. I got an injection a month for 3 months (summer 2012). The treatment made me feel awful, but I had a baby on my mind and I was willing to do whatever I needed to.
It had been 2 years and pretty much EVERYONE around me was pregnant or had a child. 2 years of crying and feeling angry takes its toll and I was sick of feeling that way. I am someone who loves to see the best in things, but I had become cynicle. After a lot of praying, my bitterness started to go away.Around this time, I started to come to the realization that I might never be able to get pregnant. And you know... I was actually okay with that. I knew that God would bless us with a family one way or another and adoption is such an awesome thing! I felt like everything would be okay for the first time. Not that it wasn't hard, or the bitterness wouldn't come back now and then, but I could be happier.
Fall 2012 wasn't eventful... It was spent trying to lose some weight. With some help from the doctor, I was able to lose what she wanted me to and we were able to try fertility treatments again in December 2012. When December's efforts didn't work, we told the doctor "one more time is all we can handle. We'd like to go to a specialist after next month." Emotionally it was just hard... all the testing every month and then getting the "no" at the end of it. We were just ready for it to be over... And God knew that.
We tried our 5th and final treatment (before a specialist) in January 2013. My heart needed a "yes." I wasn't bitter anymore, but I was still sad. And no matter how much you try to not get your hopes up every month, you realize they were higher than you anticipated when you get disappointing news... I woke up on February 21 with the feeling that I should take a pregnancy test. I wasn't suppose to for a few days and Dan (being the cautious person that he is) didn't want me to test at all. I did anyway.
This is what I saw:
The faintest little line... It was probably the most amazing thing I'd ever seen. But at the same time I couldn't believe it was real. SO, I took a second test. haha.
By this point, I was bawling. I didn't know what to do! So much disappointment up to this point. And when we pretty much gave up, it happened.
I had to try and get Dan to come home for lunch so I could tell him... It was torture sitting there by myself waiting! I put a picture of the tests on the desktop background and told him he needed to look at the computer because something was wrong with it... He was surprised to say the least. But being the cautious person that he was, he made me "wait to get excited" (like that was going to happen) until we got a blood test. I was able to go in the next day and get affirmation. This was real! God is so good... There is no doubt in my mind that this child is a miracle. And they are going to be loved SO SO much!
This is the day we found out:
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